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toukokuu 2018
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    During Easter holiday, my parents and I were talking about death, mainly my dad and I. I told him I’m scared of dying and he told me I shouldn’t worry about it because I can’t do anything about it anyway. I thought it was a bit silly. I mean, what do we worry about then if not the things we can’t do anything about? If I could actually DO something about it, I wouldn’t have to worry about it now would I?

    Well, as far as I know I’m rather healthy and thus I’m not very likely to die soon. At least I hope I’m not. Sometimes I just think about death and it scares me. I’m afraid of the big nothing. Do I just one day close my eyes and never ever open them again, never have any kind of consciousness anymore? Is it just darkness and emptiness for eternity? Of course you’ll now go ”but you don’t KNOW it yourself”. Well yeah.. but still..?!? Just.. nothing? Nothing for ever and ever and ever? That’s scary :(

    Of course if I was a good Christian, I’d believe in heaven (and possibly hell). I don’t know if I am, though. I do believe in God but I don’t think I’m such a good Christian… and what is heaven? I guess it’s a place of utter happiness but will we be real people there, or just spirits or what? Will I get to be with the people I love? Sometimes I wish it would all make a little more sense than it does.

    Wow, that was heavy. I’ve been feeling low this week so maybe that explains the dark thoughts as well. I don’t know why but I’ve been feeling sick-ish this week, every evening I’ve been cold and feeling a bit feverish.. and I’m cold at nights too, even though I’ve got a duvet and two blankets. If it continues I think I’ll go to the health care for a check-up.

    I miss Amsterdam. Been thinking about it today, for some reason. Maybe I should just try to save some money and pack my bags. But I know that if I managed to save the money, something more important would come up and I’d have to spend the money on that. Isn’t that always how it goes? :P But.. maybe.. Would be nice to get to spend more time with Joost than just those few days in Oct 2001 (and feeling happier than I did back then). We’ll see. :)

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